I imagine most people, out of fear or potential valor, have imagined a situation in which they must defend their keep, household, 400 sq foot studio apartment, treehouse, etc. The common nightmare being zombies, but as media lends to itself, the real enemy is always people, humanity. I’ve often imagined dying for a greater cause, as men do, but not once have I imagined failing to defend my home.

In one of the many group chats I partake in, a friend of mine posed an interesting question. This question I will now pose to you, and provide my own detailed answer. Please note that the conversation eventually devolved into fantasy armaments but that is a different story entirely.

Question: If you had to pick one melee weapon that you would use for self-defense effectively, what would it be?

He then went on to answer his own hypothetical in true American nature: baseball bat. Noting his previous experience with it, muscle memory, providing his best chance for survival. He then clarified that with a knife he probably would end up stabbed. And who can blame him? I’ve got enough knife related injuries from the kitchen.

Obviously, my heart screamed sword. High fantasy adorning my bookshelves, screaming for my hands to grip Anduril, unite the men of the west.

But after a moment, and only after using the exact amount of brainpower a question like this requires, I landed on spear. I’ve never held a spear, not really anyway. Maybe a passing day at the Rennaissance Faire, a college course on Roman history, or that one time I got really into Game of Thrones. Whichever, my entirely uncalloused, and inexperienced hands would be lost in the most basic of spear techniques. My unkempt self-confidence would tell me I would pick it up quick, but with my high expectations and critically self-focused neurodivergence, I would quit at the very first touch of failure.

Regardless, in this hypothetical home defense enigma, I’m choosing spear and here is why:

(Quick note, the attackers in this instance will be zombies)

The Spear-ing of History

Long pointy stick beats everything, really. And just for the record when I say spear I am referring to the held version (lance or pike) as opposed to the throwing version (javelins). I’m thinking of the Illiad, shoutout to Homer, and now Achilles and his renown as a demigod and not a career-ending injury. His deftness with a spear was second to none, and the Greeks as a whole who made warfare so successfully through the use of spears. The spear eventually left the two-handed variant for the more agile throwing version, and then developing into a one-handed pilum, meant for use with a shield.

Spears maintained popularity in the Medieval era as well, a cheap option that didn’t require as much steel as a traditional sword. Worth mentioning the weapon savviness of the Vikings, who often carried spears among their assortment of other weapons.

Halberds had their time as a spear variant, now mostly used as a ceremonial piece. Even after the advent of gunpowder, spears maintained some relevance in the form of bayonets. Throughout history, even pre-dating written history spears make their mark as hunting weapons, and war-time favorites.

Spears win wars, there is a historical precedence for the long stick with a sharp end.

Home Spear Advantage

I live in a house now, with my partner and my dog Pierogi. Being a homeowner is stressful and fulfilling, and I find the time I spend contributing to the welfare of the home incredibly beneficial. Taxes and mortgage variance are a hassle but when it comes down to it, overall, a positive.

Except.

THESE FUCKING ZOMBIES KEEP TRYING TO BREAK IN.

muffled yelling

Pierogi! Fetch Dad’s spear. With two hands on my newly forged spear, I set to defend my home against these ferocious invaders. Jaws gnashing, flesh decaying, brains decidedly absent, they set upon the house from all sides. I will now provide a visual aid to make my case as to why the spear is my home’s favorite defense.

We start at the beginning, the front of the home. An elevated deck with railings on all sides, seven feet between the cement stairs and the first of two doors to breach the house. Not only do I have a high-ground advantage against zombie invaders, but the spear will also provide the reach I need to pick skulls and off would-be attackers. I can safely poke and prod amongst the horde with little danger to myself. Doubly so once I get off my ass and redo the railings to include a gate so that Pierogi can hang out on the front porch without making an escape. Given prep time I would also construct ceiling to railing walls to further protect myself from zombie hands and mouths. Complete with trap door holes that I can jam my spear through.

Just behind where I took this picture is the world’s smallest mud room/foyer hybrid that contains the front door and a secondary glass door. This narrow passage would provide a chokepoint should the attackers overwhelm us on the deck. We’re talking zombie shish kebabs.

Now we move to the back of the house and the secondary ingress point. This is hardly a priority as reaching this position is going to prove difficult for zombies. Hell, it gives our friends and families problems when we have them coming over. To reach the backyard, you either entre through the garage or through a breezeway to reach the wooden gate. Both natural chokepoints giving the spear a clear advantage over swords, and axes. The thrusting motion really providing me with safety, reach, and the ability to maintain distance. An added bonus to the breezeway is that, provided I kill enough zombies, eventually it will fill with corpses creating an impenetrable wall of flesh. No more worrying about that path.

Even after all of that, even if they somehow managed to get to this door. We have another high ground advantage with a chokepoint. The zombies will have to breach the door, and make it up the stairs through the narrow corridor, all the while getting poked full of holes. Sliding barn door be damned, they are not getting through.

Should we become overwhelmed by sheer numbers, we will fall back to the second floor through the kitchen and dining room. As we reach the top our spear will provide untold defense and offense, maintaining safe distance, and ample opportunity to repel invaders. We can even use the holes in the banister for added protection. With the stairs hear being longer than previous versions, we will have time and space to prepare as the mounds of fallen zombies begin to pile up.

Worth mentioning that a second-floor balcony does exist, and should the zombie horde manage their way up we will have another inherent advantage of railings and narrow access. But I’m imagining Day of the Dead zombies, not Day Z zombies.

Pierogi Put the Spear Down

As you can see in the photos above, Pierogi made do with his own mouth-picked spear. In the far more likely event of no home invaders, zombie or otherwise, the spear can be used as a toy for my favorite furry boy. Sure, there is an inherent danger, what with his reckless demeanor and still-in-progress recall, but he loves sticks. Especially ones he finds himself. Many warriors dream of hanging up the weapons, foregoing bloodshed for a quiet life, and I also mimic that. I imagine my spear gathering dust in some corner of the house, holding memories in its chips and imperfections. The only time it leaves the ground now in the faithful jaws of my dog. Playing keep away. Pierogi!

Please, come here.

sounds of paws on hardwood followed by footsteps

ROGI! GO TO YOUR PLACE

general rabble and rambunctiousness

Summing it up in one Spear Point

Feels like I’ve buried the point here, haha get it but yes I’m picking spear for home defense every time. I cannot understate the advantage of the reach, the proverbial ease of use, and the general layout of my home. So, I’ll ask again, what melee weapon are you picking to defend your residence.